We Are Free, Not Less

“It is okay to put your own desires above your ability to procreate.”

It wasn’t a conversation I expected to have at Christmas dinner. As my plate of turkey and roast potatoes grew cold, and my family were pulling their crackers, my gran started to tell me — again — how much she wanted to see me have kids. The knot in my stomach grew as I nodded along with her words. But I knew it would never happen. I simply don’t want to be a mum.

This is one of many scenarios I have encountered where I fear being asked about the future decision I will make regarding my ovaries. On first dates when they tell me how they love their younger siblings and can’t wait to have their own kids — spoiler, there wasn’t a second date. Or God forbid I hold my baby cousin, then I’m just asking for it. But it doesn’t matter where I am or what I am doing, I am never safe from the dreaded question.

“So, when will you have kids?”

At only 21 I am initially baffled that this question is even being asked. I still live at home, my savings account has a whopping three hundred quid in it, only there because of SAAS, and I’m currently unemployed. But nevertheless, people expect me to be planning when I’m going to bring a completely dependent small human being into the world.

But the worst part of this question is that unless your answer is some measure of time, 5 years, 10 years, then it won’t be accepted anyway. When you truthfully answer, “never, I don’t want kids.” This will simply be followed up by “Oh no, you’ll change your mind” or “you’re too young to know, give it time.” A response which seems to have lasted 30 years as it is something both 20-year-old Cara and 52-year-old Susan are all too familiar with.

Although the average number of children per Scottish woman has fallen from 2.5 in 1971 to a record low of 1.37 in 2019 , and more women are waiting until their 30’s to have kids. The concept of choosing not to have kids at all stills seem to be one that many people struggle to accept.

So, let’s talk about it. Either, to help people understand or to help people feel less alone.

Cara Robertson

Gen Z are known for rejecting traditions. They are fierce feminists rejecting marriage and, according to a Gallup poll, the queerest generation yet. So, their disinterest in having children really shouldn’t come as a surprise.

20-year-old Cara is one of the many young people from Generation Z to “look at the world and not think it is a good place to raise a child.” Why? Well, the planet is dying. Climate change is something most young people worry about, in fact according to a study conducted by VICE, many suffer from what can be described as “climate crisis related anxiety” and over population is contributing to environmental degradation, resource depletion, poverty and inequality, according to Population Matters. So, for Cara it is a no brainer, plus she expressed how she wouldn’t want to leave the consequences of Global Warming to her kids to suffer.

But even less, it’s just not something that appeals to the student. Like, at all. “Everyone always talks about how beautiful childbirth is and I’m just sat there like, ehm what on earth is beautiful about that?” Something which I can relate to. The horrors of childbirth and pregnancy are not mystery. We are traumatised by videos of women in labour branded as sex education at the age of 11 and aware of the back pain and cravings and mood swings. So, is it so hard to understand that for some women, this just isn’t appealing?

Cara, an aspiring prison officer, has never wanted kids but only realised that it was really an option in high school. We grow up playing house, we’re giving baby dolls whilst we’re still babies ourselves, it’s no wonder it takes us a while to realise not having kids is also an option. It took me until I was 21. In fact, 12-year-old me thought I would have three kids before I was 25.

Often told she will regret not having kids, to which she replies “I would rather regret not having kids than having kids” which one in twelve parents do. While there’s no difference between mothers and fathers, younger parents aged 25 to 34 are most likely to feel regretful. Whilst this isn’t a lot, it’s more than it should. Nobody should feel forced into having children and choosing not to have kids is selfless, in contrast to how it is always seen as selfish. If you are reliant on a child to give your life “purpose” then you are already too expecting of your child. A child is not there to fill a hole in your life, and it is not fair to ask that of them.

“I just couldn’t make the sacrifices motherhood requires and I wouldn’t want. It is okay to put your own desires about your ability to reproduce.”

Susan Irvine Miller

However, 52-year-old Susan has absolutely no regrets about her choice to not have kids. “I know I made the right decision because I think I’ve had a better, calmer, more contented life without children.”

The driving instructor has spent her years travelling to lavish countries with her husband, always having the newest of cars, joining numerous clubs including photography, hillwalking and she’s even just been ordained and now conducts weddings and funerals. Susan is truly making the most of the freedom of being child free. She’s constantly surrounded by people and is never lonely like people told her she would be. She laughed as I told her to start a TikTok account and become an ambassador for the #ChildFreebyChoiceLifestyle where you see child free women living their best lives in the Maldives with a glass of wine and not a crying child in sight.

Not only is this a credit to the freedom that living a child free life gives you but it’s also due to the financial benefit of not having kids. The average cost of raising a child from birth to 18 — I’m 21 and still relying on the bank of mum and dad in tough times, just for reference — is £75,436 for a couple and £102, 627 for single parents and these figures don’t include the cost of housing and child care so that’s a budget baby.

Susan reckoned that if she had had kids that she would have ended up a single herself as she credits the fact that she is still married to not having the pressure of kids.

“If we had had kids and had that stress, we would not be married, and I think that’s testament to why a lot of couples break up in their 50’s. Because after 20 years of stress they think I’ve had enough of you. And they want their own freedom because they’ve not had their own freedom for so long, whereas I’ve always had my own freedom.”

“I used to get told all the time that I would change my mind. “Give it time, it’ll kick in.” I remember having my 40thbirthday and having a big celebration and I remember turning to Robert and saying, “I guess we’re not having kids then” and laughed because I had got to 40 without really thinking about or it “kicking in”. But I think that’s a sign that I was really happy and fulfilled already.”

She told me, “I’ve spent my whole life just being able to please myself”. I think we can all agree that that doesn’t sound half band, so is it really so surprising that child free people tend to be happier?

But it doesn’t come without its difficulties. Like many things that go against societies norms there comes a stigma.

Susan spent many of her late twenties and early thirties explaining to people, “oh there’s nothing wrong with me. I just haven’t got any children.” So much so that it made her doubt herself and think, well do I have something wrong with me? “Am I that weird for not wanting kids that there must be something wrong with me?” And what she noticed was that this question of “Is everything alright? Have you been checked?’ was never asked to her husband. Only herself. The possibility of it being the man’s problem? Inconceivable.

“But things are changing, and it’s lovely to see.”

Tanya Williams, author of A Childfree Happily Ever After highlighted this change to me by pointing out to me the number of Child Free Facebook groups there are. From ‘Child Free Confessions’ to ‘Happily Married and Child Free’.

“Even though close to 1 in 4 women are choosing to be childfree we are still a minority. Just like mothers have their groups, childfree women need to have the freedom and space to discuss their lives” and that is what these Facebook groups provide.

“We are making progress, but the bigger conversations need to be had with parents, governments, church media and traditional communities so they can understand the choices we make to stop the judgement and criticism. For too long, motherhood has been put on a pedestal as the holy grail. Times have changed and all women should be able to make a choice that is right for them without fear or condemnation.”